My First Therapy Session In A Graveyard - A Lesson in Grief, Anxiety and Choosing to See the Good

Friday was my mum's anniversary. I picked up a green tea, found a bench, and sat enjoying the sun and nature.

After a while, I noticed music coming from a lady sitting on a camping chair near one of the newer graves. A few minutes later she noticed me and came over to apologise for the music. I told her it wasn't a bother at all, and that it was nice to see someone else there.

She explained she'd lost her son a few years ago and had since become alienated from her grandchildren. All she had left, she said, was the grave, and she was spending time there every day trying as hard as she could to feel better. She told me how awful she felt, full of grief, depression and anxiety.

I invited her to join me on the bench, and we talked about her large family, her other kids, her grandkids, and all the happy times they'd shared with her son.

What became clear was that her habit of spending almost seven days a week at her son's grave, focused entirely on her loss, meant she was missing out on all the good times still available to her with the rest of her family.

I asked her two questions:

Before your son died, what did you spend your time doing?

If your son could see you spending so much time here, what would he tell you?

I suggested she take a walk around the graveyard and come back with her answer.

When she returned and sat down, she smiled at me with tears in her eyes. "My son would be upset with me. I'm missing all the wonderful moments with my kids and their kids. I can't get him back, and he'd want me enjoying life with the rest of our family."

She thanked me, and we said our goodbyes. I watched her hurry back to her things, pack them up quickly, and head for the gate. As she left, she turned, waved and smiled.

Why Our Minds Cling to What's Wrong

It's easy for our minds to fixate on what's wrong or what's missing. That pull can be so strong that we lose sight of everything that's going right. This is exactly how anxiety and low mood take hold, they narrow our focus onto loss, fear and worry until the good things become invisible, even when they're still there.

Choosing to Focus on the Good

If we want to be happy, we have to choose to focus on the good things. It doesn't happen automatically, especially when grief or anxiety are loud. It takes a deliberate daily practice.

I teach everyone I work with to take a little time each day to look for their wins: the things that go right, the things they're grateful for. Everyone who tries it for a week tells me the same thing, they were missing so much.

Your Turn

Have a great week. Look for and make a list of your wins, everything you're grateful for. I'd love it if you left a comment below and shared a few with me.

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